Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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