Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
