I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
