Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
