How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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