end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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