My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
