I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
