This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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