Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The air was thick with penises
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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