she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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