i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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