yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
