meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
