Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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