"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
