My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
