he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
