I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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