I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
