Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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