if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
