Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
