i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
