So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think my vagina is haunted
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
