Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
