I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
