i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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