So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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