My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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