You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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