Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
