My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
