im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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