My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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