I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
