he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
