obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
