question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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