I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
