I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
