Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My ass is underappreciated
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
