I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
