it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
