I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
