I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
