I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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