Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It's official drugs can't kill me
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
