i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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