i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
