So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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