I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Randomize
